Travelling… somewhere, somehow

My, how time flies. I’ve barely been on the Internet since I gpt back in late October.

I had a fantastic time in Lebanon. I’ll try and post about it soon. Truly a magnificient place in so many ways.

I started a new job last week and it is keeping me busy…we’ll see how it goes. I’ve made it clear I want to see how things go, and I have a self-contained project for a few weeks at least to go on with. I can but hope this work gives me some time to think as well as a chance to see what I want to do.

I do hope and pray you are well; I look forward to catching up on your blogs soon.

Are growing up far too quick… Skye is six-and-a-half, Eden turned three a month ago and Jessie is one-and-a-half. The time goes by so quickly.

Being ‘semi-retired’ [I liked that designation from a friend], I have had more time to see them: Eden and Jessie in particular as Skye is at school usually. But with it being NSW school holidays I took Skye bowling today; it was great to spend more time with her as she is growing so fast and with me being obsessive about work for so long I did not get a lot of time to spend with her lately. She has started netball, and I try and get to the games [luckily on Saturdays...], and she is going very well with her swimming and at school.

Eden will start swimming school soon, and her vocabulary is increasing by the day. She has got a bit shy of late, though talks and talks to me who goes by the name ‘Ke-Ian’ [Uncle Ian] currently.

Jessie is obsessed with endless rounds of ‘Ring-a-ring-a-rosey’, even if she does sit down a bit early [on 'a-tishoo'], and a book titled The Sheep Says ‘Baa’; you can see her joining in in this video.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful nieces.

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With one eye on the news, and one on my Arabic books as I try and get in some last-minute revision, I am looking forward to my three-week trip to Lebanon: I leave Thursday.

I’ve always wanted to visit Lebanon; perhaps due to having Lebanese friends, perhaps, in the words of a friend, as I never seem to go to ‘normal’ places , perhaps its history: probably a mix of all 3. My plan was to do Syria and Lebanon — but I think it is best to avoid Syria for now. As well as the history, the scenery [cedars, mountains] — and the food, oh my, the food! — I am hoping to get to a few monasteries as well.

Books always seem to take up a lot of my luggage. Even on short trips, within Australia, books are a constant companion. As I usually travel alone they are useful while eating meals, waiting at airports or railway stations, or to pass the time of an evening…

I will say this guidebook, Footprints Lebanon, has been an absolute wealth of information and a delight to read; it was very helpful as I looked to travel around on my own. I am often a bit wary of over-reliance on guidebooks, but this has been a great help. I also plan to meet up with a group (Vamos Todos) for an hike one Sunday which should be good fun as well as a chance to meet and chat with some people.

I am also someone who tries to read about where I am travelling before and during my trips; not necessarily overly intellectual and not necessarily the exact areas. When I went to Germany in 2003 I took Mark Twain’s A Tramp Abroad and delighted in reading his travels in Germany; though I daresay I enjoyed an appendix, The Awful German Lanuguage, even more!

Before I headed off to Georgia, I read the wonderful novel, Ali and Nino: A Love Story [an Azerbaijani youth who falls in love with a Georgian princess], Roger Rosen’s informative and readable Georgia: Sovereign Country of the Caucasus and The Ghost of Freedom by Charles King. I also read about the lives of Georgian Saints as we visited their shrines or places of residence through The Lives of the Georgian Saints by Archpriest Zakaria Machitadze: and found some of the photos and information were provided by one of the tour leaders of the tour I was on!

In preparation for Lebanon I delved into Robert Fisk’s amazing, yet heart-wrenching, read, Pity the Nation: Lebanon at War, which gave much information to me on Lebanon’s recent wars, an area I was very ignorant in. I have Lebanon: Through Writers’ Eyes [an anthology of selections of writings 'from between 1800 BC to the last summer'] to take with me, and I also plan to get a translation of an recent Lebanese fiction author to take with me from the local library. I only came across Khahlil Gibran’s The Prophet this year [yes, I do live under a rock I think!], and there was also a great exhibit on him at NSW’s State Library earlier this year which was enjoyable and informative. And I’ll probably dip back into William Dalrymple’s From the Holy Mountain.

I find these help me a bit to get into ‘the spirit’ or mindset of the place I am in, or at least of those who have travelled before me. I do not think, or expect, any great insights as if I were living there, because travelling and living somewhere are two very different things, but at the same time it helps me to understand a little more which to me has to be a good thing — and I simply enjoy it as well.

O LORD, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Here is the sea, great and wide,
which teems with creatures innumerable,
living things both small and great.
There go the ships,
and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it.
Psalm 104:24-26, ESV

Last week I spent 5 nights on Lady Elliot Island, the southern-most island, a coral cay, of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef.

I am usually a winter person, but the chance to do some swimming, snorkelling [sans snorkel, not sure what you call it], walking, and just getting away from everything — no mobile phone reception — was too good to give up, so I went for it.

It was truly one of the most relaxing times I have had. The resort, small as it was, was wonderful, staffed by fantastic people who did all they could to assist. I went out on a glass-bottom boat, swam amid the coral and fish, and even swam by a turtle, walked around the island [only 40 hectares (99 acres)], including a walk with a guide in the coral, helping us all to see things we could easily miss, and went to some evening discussions on anything from a trip to Antarctica to Project Manta, a study of the manta rays off the north-eastern coast of Australia. A lot of research is done around Lady Elliot Island, so these talks were fascinating and informative.

Seeing whales from the beach, or from the glass-bottom boat, I was reminded of Psalm 104, the Psalm chanted at Vespers in the Orthodox Church, and its reference to the leviathan which plays in the seas, and all the marine life, flora and fauna, as well as the 1000s of birds that were returning to the island for spring, reminded me of this Psalm.

Photos are here, and some shots below showing the diversity and beauty of the island, including some underwater — I am terrible at looking at after things so a virtually indestructable camera is what I need and have!: aplogies for my finger intruding: I was so excited at seeing a turtle.

Thank you to all who have e-mailed or messaged me; I greatly appreciate. Things have been rather hectic work-wise, and mentally/emotionally, and I have not been able to respond as I wanted to. I will try and do so in the coming weeks.

I have missed reading all about your adventures; I do hope in 2 weeks to be able to start. Why 2 weeks?

2 weeks ago I resigned from my job; I am supposed to finish up in 2 weeks [4 weeks' notice is standard here], but with a system implementation that did not go ahead this weekend [a long working weekend for me, but moreso for the developers...], I may come back for a weekend to assist or consider staying for an extra week ot two if asked.

I am relieved and excited about the next 3 months [my initial guess at how long I will not work]. I plan to relax, perhaps do a few short trips, and just generally try and get myself mentally and emotionally better. I know I am very lucky I can stop work for this time, and I can but pray it will be a time of rest and healing for my mind, body and soul. I am struggling daily at work, and the busy-ness of helping on an intense project is pushing a lot of my unhelpful triggers and behaviours; and at this time I cannot see to work on both, so, God willing, a time away from work may help me deal with the other areas.

My thanks again for the messages and e-mails; it is humbling and a blessing to know you care.

Indulge me…please.

I realised today, after a very rough morning in which I said to my manager I could not go on, that I rather like my job [yes, I'm skipping a lot but the connexion was made]. 99% of it to be truthful, which is pretty good. But can you guess what I’ve been focusing on?

Yep. The 1%. Letting it stress me. Letting it colour my view. Letting it overtake and overwhelm me. And much of this isn’t the 1%: but what I think the 1% will be in a few months’ time when roles and reporting lines change. I love to live in the future…or the past; seems easier than living in the present. Well, not easier, but I think sometimes I’m rather addicted to worrying: that if I don’t have something to worry about it I create it. And, perhaps more sadly, in a sense I’m not allowed to be happy. Or shouldn’t be. Which is rather sad. More teary sad than pathetic sad, but probably not by much.

I know this isn’t the end. I’ve had too many ‘revelations’ I’ve put too much stock in, thinking I know myself completely and life will be joy, happiness and peace from now on. It is a step up though, for which I am thankful. And receiving 2 emails tonight from colleagues thanking and encouraging me for something I did certainly made this day which started off bad come to a wonderful conclusion. Attending Great Compline tonight, my first Great Lent service, was a blessed experience also: I need to make more of an effort to attend the Sunday services [anxiety kept me away...] as well as the weekday ones we are blessed to have.

I am broken. My thinking patterns are broken. My reactions are broken. Not to be overly negative: this is realistic. The story of the Fall makes it clear we live in a broken world. We all have our own struggles, our crosses to bear if you like: mine are overwhelmingly mental — and I need to acknowledge that. Not to let it take hold of me, though at times it will, but to admit it…to acknowledge it…to know my true limitations…and to act accordingly. To know that I need to talk — or write — when I am low: because that helps me. “A problem shared is a problem halved” — trite? perhaps. But there is a kernel of truth in it, as with all clichés.

And as we are in the season of pilgrimage to Pascha [Easter], Great Lent, it is a good time to realise and confess brokenness, confess hurt, confess pain and struggles: knowing that — unless God wills it, and generally we need to work out or salvation through pain and struggle: there are few who get an easy ride in all aspects — despite my weakness, God is strong; despite my doubts, God is faithful; despite my pain, God sustains and heals. And God, in Jesus Christ, knows what it is like to be on this earth and experience pain, suffering, hurt, betrayal…and more. Our God is a God who indeed understands all we go through. And that is the hope I have: and the hope I carry to Pascha.

You who have done great things,
  O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
  will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
  you will bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness
  and comfort me again.

Psalm 71:19b-21 [ESV]

The words of the Psalmist, You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth;you will bring me up again, seem particularly apt. A Friday when I left the office in tears; a Monday where I felt lost, confused and alone; and then a Tuesday where things went well,

Of course, there were moments of joy amid the turmoil: starting my Certificate IV in Training and Assessment; seeing A Midsummer Night’s Dream in the open air; Church on Sunday followed by lunch with a friend. And e-mails, comments and kind words from friends and colleagues. I truly do feel as if I have been brought up from the depths of the earth, for which thanks be to God who has blessed me so richly, and so richly with wondrous people around me.

Mon français est très mal…and practically non-existent, but as per Dormouse’s post, Les Restos du Coeur, an organisation that provides meals for the homeless and those on low incomes, is holding a grand day of donations in March which means 10 meals donated by Carrefour/Danone for each blog mention: a worthy cause indeed.

God bless their work.

Not sure why that David Bowie song pops into my head whenever I write “Changes”; one of my many oddities I am sure. Perhaps the allusions in the song [as I read them] to re-inventions and direction changes, among other things, strike a chord at this time.

But first: thank you all for the kind and wonderful comments; you are all a great blessing and my life is better for knowing you.

And Miss Lisa — my apologies about missing the news on Tasmania’s floods: I seemed to lose track of the news for a month or so and then it was all natural disasters [and God bless and sustain those in Christchurch and those who have lost loved ones] and citizen uprisings in the Middle East. I seemed glued to the BBC World Service radio for hours taking it all in.

To the changes…

In some grasp to try and latch on to some direction in life, which I did not really realise what it was until this week, I applied and was accepted into a Masters in IT program. I am sure it would have been interesting in its own way, but (1) I am not really in the mindset for it currently; and (2) I was more grasping onto what I thought others expected of me [mind-reading...I am sure I was way off...] and trying to grasp on to some sense of a plan and direction in life as many around me seem to have one while I bumble on through…

Today I deferred it for a semester [hedging my bets rather than discontinuing ...], and signed up for a course on Training and Assessment, which is often required or desired for jobs in vocational and adult education. Long-suffering readers are well aware of my past teaching attempts, and my negativity about myself and fears which keep me away from giving it a real shot: but as my mind continually comes back to it, I think, I believe, for my sake I need to give it a go so I can either crash and burn spectacularly or find out I may want to pursue it.

I definitely do not want to sound like a whinger and whiner, and I hope I do not because I know I am blessed, but, despite all the positives of my current job,in many ways I do not want to be there. As I wrote a few days back, things are better; but at the same time I am always wondering “What if?” in terms of a career change — as well as the fact my current position will also change somewhat, and not in a direction I really want, so at the same time I am keeping an eye out for other jobs, in IT, that may make it a bit easier for me. Hence me taking this step, a small step as I can study while I work, to see if I can do it. And at least then, I hope, I can make a more-informed decision.

I am excited about the Training and Assessment course. Which I think is a good sign at the start at least.

* blows off cobwebs from keyboard *

Where is 2011 going? February 21 already? Aiiiieeee.

Anyway…Happy 2011, if it isn’t too late for such greetings.

December was a rough month. A resignation was handed in; a [very helpful] conversation with my manager was had; the resignation was retracted.

January got better. Then a bit worse. Then I took a four-day break down at lovely Narooma, staying at one-of-the-best B&Bs I have ever stayed at: Pub Hill Farm. And it was better.

February has been fantastic — excluding some of the 35C+, sometimes 40C+, hot and humid days we’ve had; but given the floods and cyclones in Queensland, Victoria and WA, and the fires in WA, not to mention the events in the Middle East, I cannot complain. Work got terribly busy, and I got in my perfectionist-must-do-everything mode; but even that did not impact me as it might have usually.

Thanks be to God, and thanks be to those around me who have helped, prayed, written to, or been there for me. I truly feel as if I am coming out a fog. And even feeling as if I can do my job, can go to church [fear of nothing really, people perhaps?, made me miss quite a bit; with us being in the preparation for Great Lent I thought it a good time to return], and can generally live. It is a good feeling.

As was reading, briefly and quickly, your blogs: I look forward to reading them more carefully and reading more in the days to come — I’ve missed reading about you all.