Exploring Orthodoxy

Kontakion:
When You, O God, shall come to earth with glory,
All things shall tremble
And the river of fire shall flow before Your judgement seat;
The books shall be opened and the hidden things disclosed!
Then deliver me from the unquenchable fire,
And make me worthy to stand at Your right hand, righteous Judge!

Today is the Sunday of the Last Judgement in the Orthodox Church, also know as Meatfare Sunday because for those keeping the Lenten Fast today is the last day on which meat may be eaten before Pascha [Easter]. The Gospel reading at the Divine Liturgy today is the Parable of the Sheep and Goats [Matthew 25:31-46]. The linked article goes into some depth on the explanation of the Feast: one aspect, as shown in the Parable, is that of Christian love; I quoted this last year and probably will each year as I need to hear it again and again. In quotes from the wonderful book Great Lent by Fr Alexander Schmemann:

When Christ comes to judge us, what will be the criterion of His judgment? The parable of the Last Judgment answers: love—not a mere humanitarian concern for abstract justice and the anonymous “poor,” but concrete and personal love for the human person—the specific persons that we encounter each day in our lives.

Christian love is the “possible impossibility” to see Christ in another person, whoever he or she is, and whom God, in His eternal and mysterious plan, has decided to introduce into my life, be it only for a few moments, not as an occasion for a “good deed” or an exercise in philanthropy, but as the beginning of an eternal companionship in God Himself.

The parable of the Last Judgment is about Christian love. Not all of us are called to work for “humanity,” yet each one of us has received the gift and the grace of Christ’s love. We know that all persons ultimately need this personal love—the recognition in them of their unique soul in which the beauty of the whole creation is reflected in a unique way. We also know that people are in prison and are sick and thirsty and hungry because that personal love has been denied them. And, finally, we know that however narrow and limited the framework of our personal existence, each one of us has been made responsible for a tiny part of the Kingdom of God, made responsible by that very gift of Christ’s love. Thus, on whether or not we have accepted this responsibility, on whether we have loved or refused to love, shall we be judged.

Challenging words indeed, and I but pray that with the mercy and love of God, I may indeed see Christ in all I encounter and furthermore, show practical and real love as I am called to do.

To celebrate this Sunday, we had a bbq lunch after the Liturgy. It was to be held in a park, but with the heavy rain that has settled over Sydney the last few days the ground was rather soaked. So we went to the old Archdiocese’s headquarters and had the bbq lunch there. And what a lunch it was. Before the fast, a feast: and a feast of epic proportions. I truly had no idea how much food a bbq could have until my first Middle Eastern bbq: I doubt I need dinner tonight.

A blessed Sunday of the Last Judgement, and entry to the fasting season of Great Lent, to all.

Best news received this morning: my sister gave birth at 2:20 this morning, about a fortnight earlier than expected, to my third niece: Jessie Hope. 2.7kg and 46.5cm. Cannot wait to visit. Skye was very excited. She and Eden spent the night here, so the news was given to them, and me who slept through the early-morning phone call, this morning.

A dear friend found a job.

Another dear friend, and husband of the friend above, helped me with a work situation I was struggling with: it was a blessing to know I could ask for, and receive, help. And those at work in relevant positions also greatly assisted and relieved the pressure from me.

Enjoyed watching episodes of Six Feet Under and Brothers & Sisters on DVD in the evening.

Looking forward to watching the final episode of Torchwood: Children of Earth over the weekend [thank you ABC iView -- may not work overseas; it lets us download and watch epsiodes of shows on the ABC we missed]. And happy to hear The End of the Time, David Tennant’s last episodes as the Doctor [though sad to see him go], will finally be shown here on February 14 and 21.

The first session of the course I am doing, Moral Life in Christ, was exceptionally interesting, thought-provoking and enjoyable. We looked at the dignity of the person, our call to happiness in God, our freedom to make choices and the responsibility that comes with that freedom, the morality of acts and the conscience. Hope to write more about it soon.

Had an almost-issue at work with a lightning strike and power failure [luckily the generator kicked in] and a leaking roof in the server room. Definitely not an Up, but, with the help of great colleagues, I did not panic or get overly anxious.

Attended and stayed [until the issue above occurred!] at a work meeting that had me anxious before-hand.

Apologised to a colleague for any intensity and constant bothering due to my anxiety issues last year, and received a very affirmative and appreciated reply that he was happy to help — and still was.

Thanks be to God.

The course through the Catholic Adult Education Centre that I intended to do late last year, but due to my mental state I postponed. It starts tonight, and I am looking forward to it.

My Archdiocese also runs courses, and I may do one of those too once this course is finished. But no expectations: I know what happens when I start putting expectations on myself: they pile and pile up until I crash.

From Archimandrite Sophrony’s His Life is Mine, a book I can highly recommend and of which more at another time.

O Lord Eternal and Creator of all things,
Who of Thine inscrutable goodness didst call me to this life;
Who didst bestow on me the grace of Baptism
and the Seal of the Holy Spirit;
Who hast imbued me with the desire to seek Thee,
the one true God: hear my prayer.

I have no life, no light, no joy or wisdom;
no strength except in Thee, O God.
Because of my unrighteousness I dare not raise my eyes to Thee.
But Thou didst say to Thy disciples,
‘Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer believing, ye shall receive’
and ‘Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do’.
Wherefore I dare to invoke Thee.
Purify me from all taint of flesh and spirit.
Teach me to pray aright.

Bless this day which Thou dost give unto me,
Thine unworthy servant. By the power of Thy blessing
enable me at all times to speak and act to Thy glory
with a pure spirit, with humility patience, love,
gentleness, peace, courage and wisdom:
aware always of Thy presence.

Of Thine immense goodness, O Lord God, shew me the path of Thy will,
and grant me to walk in Thy sight without sin.

O Lord, unto Whom all hearts be open,
Thou knowest what things I have need of.
Thou art acquainted with my blindness and my ignorance,
Thou knowest my infirmity and my soul’s corruption;
but neither are my pain and anguish hid from Thee.
Wherefore I beseech Thee, hear my prayer
and by Thy Holy Spirit teach me the way wherein I should walk;
and when my perverted will would lead me down other paths
spare me not, O Lord, but force me back to Thee.
By the power of Thy love, grant me to hold fast to that which is good.
Preserve me from every word or deed that corrupts the soul;
from every impulse unpleasing in Thy sight
and hurtful to my brother-man.
Teach me what I should say and how I should speak.
If it be Thy will that I make no answer,
inspire me to keep silent in a spirit of peace
that causeth neither sorrow nor hurt to my fellow
Establish me in the path of Thy commandments
and to my last breath let me not stray from the light of Thine ordinances,
that Thy commandments may become the sole law of my being
on this earth and in all eternity.

Yea, Lord, I pray Thee, have pity on me.
Spare me in mine affliction and my misery
and hide not the way of salvation from me.

In my foolishness, O God, I plead with Thee for many and great things.
Yet am I ever mindful of my wickedness, my baseness, my vileness.
Have mercy upon me.
Cast me not away from Thy presence because of my presumption.
Do Thou rather increase in me this presumption,
and grant unto me, the worst of men,
to love Thee as Thou hast commanded,
with all my heart, and with all my soul,
and with all my mind, and with all my strength:
with my whole being.

Yea, O Lord, by Thy Holy Spirit,
teach me good judgment and knowledge.
Grant me to know Thy truth before I go down into the grave.
Maintain my life in this world until I may offer unto Thee worthy repentance.
Take me not away in the midst of my days,
nor while my mind is still blind.
When Thou shalt be pleased to bring my life to an end,
forewarn me that I may prepare my soul to come before Thee.
Be with me, O Lord, at that dread hour
and grant me the joy of salvation.
Cleanse Thou me from secret faults,
from all iniquity that is hid in me;
and give me a right answer before Thy judgment-seat.

Yea, Lord, of Thy great mercy
and immeasurable love for mankind,

Hear my prayer.

His Life is Mine, p. 52-54, St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 2001.

Troparion – Tone 1:
Rejoice, O Virgin Theotokos, full of grace!
From you shone the Sun of Righteousness, Christ our God.
Enlightening those who sat in darkness!
Rejoice, and be glad, O righteous elder;
You accepted in your arms the Redeemer of our souls,
Who grants us the Resurrection.

Kontakion – Tone 1:
By Your nativity, You did sanctify the Virgin’s womb,
And did bless Simeon’s hands, O Christ our God.
Now You have come and saved us through love.
Grant peace to all Orthodox Christians, O only Lover of man!

Today, February 2, is one of the Twelve Great Feasts of the Orthodox Church: The Presentation of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in the Temple. Through the account in Luke’s Gospel [2:22-40], we have knowledge of two witnesses of this wonderful event: the Elder Simeon with his most wonderful song, which is recited at Vespers in the Orthodox Church:

Lord, now you let your servant depart in peace according to your word.
For my eyes have seen your salvation,
which you have prepared before the face of all people,
a light to lighten the Gentiles and to be the glory of your people Israel.

and the Prophetess Anna, who served God in the Temple by fasting and prayers. Therefore this Feast is also known as The Meeting of Our Lord and God and Saviour Jesus Christ, because the hymns for the Feast emphasise the Incarnate God, Jesus Christ, meeting with his people, Israel, in the persons of the Elder Simeon and the Prophetess Anna.

A blessed Feast Day to all!

Relaxing at home watching episodes of Six Feet Under [I have them all on DVD].

Going to Hog’s Breath [her favourite restaurant] for Skye’s 5th birthday and hearing all about her first day of school. As well as the joy of spending time with her [Eden spent most of it asleep].

Lunch out of the office with work colleagues on Friday.

Going to Skye’s Birthday Party Saturday and seeing her enjoy herself so much. Playing with Eden for almost an hour.

Going to my dad’s work retirement dinner on Saturday. Didn’t last through it all [a bit loud and in-your-face at times, and my anxiety was on alert], but glad I went.

Being at Matins at Church today [had to leave: anxiety again].

Coffee and then lunch at the wondrous La Renaissance Café Patisserie with two wonderful friends today. Simply catching up and enjoying some delicious food. For me: Chicken Chasseur pie and Mineral Water with mint for lunch; Dark Chocolate Macaron and an Iced Chocolate for dessert. Yum.

Hasn’t happened yet, but [rain holding off] I am off to see Twelfth Night tonight by Sydney Shakespeare Festival: that should be good fun.

Perhaps not as bad a week as I had thought. The ending was certainly better than the beginning. There were downs, but those ups are pretty special.

Kontakion:
I have recklessly forgotten Your glory, O Father;
and among sinners I have scattered the riches which You had given me.
Therefore, I cry to You like the Prodigal:
“I have sinned before You, O compassionate Father;
receive me a penitent and make me as one of Your hired servants.”

Today in the Orthodox Calendar is the Sunday of the Prodigal Son. I found comfort in these words in the article linked to by the previous link:

In the words of our Lord, we also learn of three things through this parable: the condition of the sinner, the rule of repentance, and the greatness of God’s compassion. The reading of this parable follows the Sunday of the Publican and the Pharisee so that, seeing in the person of the Prodigal Son our own sinful condition, we might come to our senses and return to God through repentance. For those who have fallen into great despair over their sins thinking that there is no forgiveness, this parable offers hope. The Heavenly Father is patiently and lovingly waiting for our return. There is no sin that can overcome His love for us.

This week has been a struggle, and to be honest there is not much more I want to write or say at the moment: finding it hard enough to write a few sentences. But I know there is hope: and I hold on to that.

A blessed Feast Day of the Sunday of the Prodigal Son to all.

Another hot and humid Sydney day: but a day off work at least! Today is Australia Day, commemorating the arrival of the First Fleet [the ships which sailed from England to establish the colony] into Sydney in 1788. The day really passes me by…I am thankful for all the benefits of living here in Australia, but I do not do anything “Australian” [whatever that means] today: I took myself off to see Up in the Air which was very different to what I expected: in a good way. Great performances and a fascinating look at aspects of modern life — but rather intense and raw emotionally.

There is some discomfort within me when I ponder being “Australian”. Because, whatever it means [and I'm probably not sure myself!], I do not see myself as part of it. The interests I have are not the interests I “feel” I should have. I know there are many who have interests similar to me, but what I am realising through this endless psychological examination of myself is that I am uncomfortable with who I am. I feel like an outsider. Growing up [and this is no criticism of my family: merely facts] I was not interested as they were in the beach or rugby league or other things. In social groups, be it peers, friends or work, I often feel like I stick out, because I am the one who hasn’t seen this or that film, or who doesn’t know a particular music artist. In a sense I want to be, crave to be, invisible, because somewhere I believe I do not belong anywhere. And for the most part I simply do keep quiet in circumstances where I may be revealed as “different”.

I always assumed it did not bother me, but being aware of it [which I am not sure is a blessing: "ignorance is bliss" and all that] I am realising it is influencing certain behaviours [withdrawal] and thoughts [I am weird] about myself. So I may need to be more proactive in opening myself up, acknowledging my differences and my interests where appropriate. I have done so occasionally, and the results have been fine — I have not been called strange or loss friendships over it [yes, my warped mind thinks of all manner of consequences]. But some fear is still there. And, as with everything, the fears need to be faced head-on; although I’d much rather hide my head in the sand.

But sometimes the psychological examinings can get a bit much. So I am letting myself off the hook, in some ways, for the rest of the week. My weekly sessions with the pscyhologist are now to be fortnightly [weekly is a bit too much for me now], and in some sense, while I do need to practise the techniques to try and ensure I keep moving forward, I also feel I have to give myself a break sometime: because often I am too much in my head and it is simply exhausting. Mindfulness [from the CCI section on Generalised Anxiety], “experiencing the world that is firmly in the ‘here and now’”, is something I need to do: for there are many experiences I am probably missing the full impact of, because I’m often somewhere else in my head, be it in the past or future. And as “Mindfulness” can be as simple as going for a walk and feeling the sun on your back or the wind as it hits your clothes or the colours of a tree or the song of a bird or the taste and texture of a food being eaten, I find it a useful technique: even if it can be harder than it seems. But it does get me out of my head, if only for a few moments sometimes, which is a good thing.

Kontakion:
Let us flee from the pride of the Pharisee!
And learn humility from the Publican’s tears!
Let us cry to our Saviour,
have mercy on us, only merciful One!

Today is the Sunday of the Publican and Pharisee on the Orthodox Calendar, and therefore the beginning of the weeks of preparation for Great Lent, which in turn prepares us for Holy Week and the Great Feast of Pascha [Easter]. More information on this Sunday of the Publican and Pharisee can be found on the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America’s exceptionally helpful Great Lent, Holy Week and Pascha website.

Great Vespers tonight was one of a small attendance, but nevertheless a beautiful service as the theme of the repentance from the Gospel story are brought out in the hymnography; for example:

Let us not pray, brethren, Pharisee-like; for he who exalts himself shall be abased. Wherefore, let us humble ourselves before God, crying by means of fasting, with the voice of the publican, saying, God forgive us sinners.

When the Pharisee went down with empty glory, and the Publican bowed himself in repentance, they came to You alone, O Master. But the one through boasting lost his reward, and the other by his silence deserving gifts. Wherefore, by those sighs confirm me, O Christ God, since You are the Lover of mankind.

Challenging words: and the icon for the Feast [above], also shows in stark relief the humbling of those who exalt themself [the Pharisee on the left being brought low on the right] and the exalting of those who humble themself [the Publican low on the left but above on the right].

I have not been to Great Vespers for a while, and as we prepare for Great Lent, and then Holy Week and Pascha, I will, by the Grace of God, attend as many Great Vespers [followed by Bible Studies] services during this Lenten period as I am able. We had a interesting post-Vespers discussion with Father on both Abraham and the spiritual meaning of the Bible which was edifying and informative.

While, of course, the Divine Liturgy is indeed the most joyous of services, and one where we partake of the Body and Blood for our salvation and sanctification, Vespers and Matins, with their hymnography and “mood” [for want of a better word], are services I find encourage and edify me, and leave me feeling a sense of peace and joy. I do try and attend Matins as often as I can, as I find it a great help in setting my body and soul in focus on our Lord as it leads straight into the Divine Liturgy. If I arrive just in time for the Liturgy, often having been frustrated in traffic [God forgive me!] and my mind on 1001 other things, I find it takes me a while to settle in to the “spirit” of worship. Our Choir Director does a kindness to me by asking me on occasion to read some of the hymns [I dare not attempt to sing] at Matins, and I did so at Vespers tonight. A humbling request, and a privilege.

A blessed Feast Day of the Publican and Pharisee, and a blessed beginning of the journey to Great Lent, and thereafter the Feasts of Feasts, Pascha, to all.

Went to lunch with two colleagues from our other office.

Broke into tears before-hand with anxiety and feelings of inferiority: spoke to a most wondrous colleague, friend, here and made a determination to go.

Almost turned around on the way there. But didn’t.

Stayed for as long as they did; mainly listening and answering as I was asked.

Came back to the office, relieved. But more tears. Same wondrous colleague came and listened and talked.

The feelings of inferiority, of not being worthy, particularly when it comes to people I greatly admire, or men in general [given previous experiences of male friends] are damn hard to shift. They are the main reason for the tears today: I simply do not feel good enough or worthy enough. But I am well aware, given I’ve carried these feelings, albeit subconsciously, for many years, that the only way to change it is to keep having experiences where I am with people who want my company, even if I cannot see a reason why they do. And, I pray and by the Grace of God, in time these positive experiences will replace the negatives, and my thinking, my beliefs about myself, can also change.